Citing the dictionary, resentment is
defined as the bitter indignation at being treated unfairly. Commonly it is
said that resentment is akin to drinking poison and waiting for the other
person to die. Real or imagined,
resentment, shapes and darkens the twisted view of our self-importance and self-impotence. Left unchecked resentment becomes our
identity blinding and burning us with anger and hatred. I know because I lived
that way for shameful number of years.
What
really causes resentment within us? What personal slight could cause us to spiral
downward into such a poisonous state of mind? Is it a knee jerk reaction to perceived wrongs
or our egocentric view of the world? Most of the time I am positive that those
who have wounded us in such a manner do not even know they have harmed us. Perhaps
it’s because we have no way of expressing such feelings, of if we do, they are emotionally
immature and anger filled responses.
I don’t think it can be said any
better than the way it is written the Big Book – “Resentment is the number
one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all
forms of spiritual disease- “. I would point out, you don’t need
to be alcoholic for resentment to swing like wrecking ball through your mind.
Thorough
self-examination makes apparent that my resentments are rooted in my sense of
self. By taking a step back to honestly reflect, I can uncover the root of my pain.
The spotlight of truth shines directly on my ego. My skewed sense of self is
reflected back by the world around me. The beauty of a formal 4th step, Made A Searching and Fearless Moral
Inventory of Ourselves (and onward to practicing a daily 10th
step where we continue to take personally inventory) is that if it is done
correctly, ego and fear, stand front and center on our list of character defects.
This can
be a daunting task; with knowledge comes responsibility and the challenge of
true change. The initial uncovering of the unflattering parts of myself were
only the beginning of the transformative journey of sobriety. I spent years
running away from myself until I was completely ready to let go. Real change
began when I was able to face and move beyond these parts of who I was.
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