Resentment

Citing the dictionary, resentment is defined as the bitter indignation at being treated unfairly. Commonly it is said that resentment is akin to drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.  Real or imagined, resentment, shapes and darkens the twisted view of our self-importance and self-impotence.  Left unchecked resentment becomes our identity blinding and burning us with anger and hatred. I know because I lived that way for shameful number of years.

What really causes resentment within us? What personal slight could cause us to spiral downward into such a poisonous state of mind?  Is it a knee jerk reaction to perceived wrongs or our egocentric view of the world? Most of the time I am positive that those who have wounded us in such a manner do not even know they have harmed us. Perhaps it’s because we have no way of expressing such feelings, of if we do, they are emotionally immature and anger filled responses.

I don’t think it can be said any better than the way it is written the Big Book – “Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease- “.  I would point out, you don’t need to be alcoholic for resentment to swing like wrecking ball through your mind.

Thorough self-examination makes apparent that my resentments are rooted in my sense of self. By taking a step back to honestly reflect, I can uncover the root of my pain. The spotlight of truth shines directly on my ego. My skewed sense of self is reflected back by the world around me.  The beauty of a formal 4^th step, Made A Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves (and onward to practicing a daily 10^th step where we continue to take personally inventory) is that if it is done correctly, ego and fear, stand front and center on our list of character defects.

This can be a daunting task; with knowledge comes responsibility and the challenge of true change. The initial uncovering of the unflattering parts of myself were only the beginning of the transformative journey of sobriety. I spent years running away from myself until I was completely ready to let go. Real change began when I was able to face and move beyond these parts of who I was.