Acceptance: Learning To Find Peace Of Mind In The World

 "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, It is because I find some person, place, thing, situation -- Some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, And I can find no serenity until I accept That person, place, thing, or situation As being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition p. 417

I recently returned from a vacation in the Outer Banks. Going away on holiday is new to me. I rarely took them in the past. Staycations were more my speed. Being away from home caused me more anxiety than any trip was worth.  My girlfriend has helped show me the error of my ways and introduced me to the joy of getting away from it all. Yet another item on my “why did it take so long for me to realize” list.

My girlfriend is a meeting planner by profession, and she planned our trip for months. She put her heart and soul into us having the best possible vacation. We left early Saturday morning. Shortly after that, the rain began, doubling the typical 5-hour drive.  The rain cleared by the time we arrived, but it set the tone for the rest of the week.

The weather went haywire. It rained 6 of the 7 days we were there. Monday through Wednesday, 8 inches of rain fell on the ground. Local forecasters brought doom and gloom each morning. We had our eyes glued to our weather apps, but the storms kept rolling through. Roadways flooded making travel difficult and all-out outdoor plans were washed away.

But this isn’t about the weather or that my vacation wasn’t as awesome as I wanted it to be. I actually handled being stuck inside rather well. My girlfriend however suffered more with each passing day. This is not about her struggles either, but my challenges in coping with her.

Maybe it’s the fact I grew up in an alcoholic home, or I am just neurotic, perhaps both. But I have always had a tough time dealing with other people’s bad moods. It doesn’t help that I am something of psychic sponge and am very sensitive to other people’s negativity. I assume responsibility for making them feel better. When my efforts fall flat, I feel like a failure and retreat deep within myself.

I did my best to cheer her up. To make jokes, to shower her with attention, to make her feel loved, but none of it worked. On a cerebral level, I knew she was not upset with me, but I felt like I was letting her down. And my mood fell right along with hers. Why do I do this? Why do let other people’s attitudes affect me so much? I have never understood this about myself. Is my happiness attached to the well-being of those close to me?

During my drinking days, this was an excellent excuse to get snot-slinging drunk, but in sobriety, it drags heavily on my serenity and it’s something I want to overcome. Acceptance is yet another facet of letting go. Dr. Paul’s explanation of Acceptance on page 417 of the Big Book is fantastic, but it’s only a start. How do we learn acceptance? He suggests changing ourselves and our attitudes but it ends there.

Learning how to accept is not turning a blind eye. It’s not a matter of resigning myself to a situation or holding my breath and tolerating others. If I am seething on the inside; if my thoughts are in turmoil or if in a state of high anxiety, there is no acceptance. There is no peace. The road to acceptance is through learning empathy and compassion without attaching to myself to the results. It is hard work!  There is no “a ha” moment with instant gratification. This is a life-long practice whose results are gradual, but the peace of mind is worth the effort.

Resistance is another word that I would add to the idea of learning acceptance. When I struggle with life or with another person’s lousy mood, it’s because I am resisting the way things actually are. I am especially prone to resistance with moods of those I love. Their suffering becomes my suffering. My ego forces me into overdrive, trying to change others for their benefit as well as my own.

This is my challenge right now. Learning to distinguish my motives and develop genuine compassion for others. This where The Path of Recovery has to lead me to today. It’s the next part of my journey; it’s the continuing evolution of my soul embracing life instead of resisting it. Acceptance is another means of freedom. There is a definite sense of relief that comes when I drop the oars and stop trying to row upstream. Accepting life and letting it be as it is at any given moment.