Recovery and the Obstacles of Mental Health.

I am continuing my exploration of fear and anxiety in recovery.  This topic has been on my mind a lot in recent weeks. I have always considered anxiety to be my primary issue. It’s no less serious than my alcoholism. Once I manage some sober time under my belt I no longer felt I had a drinking problem, but I had a thinking problem. It's a pretty common phrase in the rooms, usually meaning the way we think about drinking or even about how we live our lives in sobriety. I had no idea how to live, let alone live sober.

I have always been envious of those in AA whose only problem is alcoholism. Their lives always seemed to click for them after they got sober. But that never my experience. I was baffled, often asking why recovery didn’t work for me. Why did I have to suffer?  I didn't even know what I was wrong with me until I had six years sober. It was then I finally sought outside help.

I hate using the term mental health to describe my life struggles. It connotes that I somehow different and lacking to my peers. Perhaps my difficulty with the term is my pride. Maybe it is me who sees myself as being deficient? But how else does one describe an all-encompassing fear of life that kept my boxed in for 25 years?

I suspect it's my age urging me forward on this quest for greater self-understanding. As I approach being 50, I do so with a tinge of regret. It’s not over the life I have led, or the choices I have made. Instead, it’s my lack of action. Held back by fear, resting in my comfort zones, choosing the path of least resistance, has resulted in an unremarkable life.

I am not living in the past. I am not stuck ruminating over moments where I could have made better choices. It’s not a question of what could have been, but what can still be.  I am keenly aware the majority of my decisions were dictated anxiety. Hence my life is mostly built on fear. What I feared most of all was anxiety itself. I would do anything to avoid feeling anxious. If I couldn’t avoid it, I would limit it as much as possible I put up walls and closed myself in.  I lost myself in the virtual reality of video games. The irony of it all was the longer I tried to stay isolated, the more my fear and anxiety grew.

It took an incredible amount of pain to muster the courage to change. It has been a significant challenge to confront these less than flattering aspects of myself, but it has been worth it. I have made tremendous strides in the past few years, but I know there is still much work to be done. There is no time to rest on my laurels. It is vital that I stay on the path of recovery in my daily life. Not every day is perfect. There are times I still struggle; days where my anxiety paralyzes and overwhelms me. These feelings pass. My experience proves life does not need to be ruled by fear. I implore anyone who is struggling with mental health issues to please seek help. Don’t waste years of unnecessary struggle or let the social stigma associated with mental health prevent you from getting help. Most of all, be kind to yourself and don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle is supposed to happen.