The love of another will not be able to fill the void left by not loving yourself." - Anonymous.
I have always felt different from my peers. As a teen and well into adulthood, I’ve perceived a void in my soul separating me from everyone else. Drinking was my means of coping. But my drinking career was brief, leaving me to deal with the void without the help of booze.
Relationships were one of the ways I tried fixing myself after I got sober. I was convinced love was the missing puzzle piece. It would fill the gaping hole within me. Yet, I was a social misfit and had no idea how to approach women, let alone date them. Hence, I was a spectacular failure at dating. Shy guys with low self-esteem are not in high demand. Add in paralyzing anxiety and you get a very lonely person.
I improved a little over time and learned how to fall into relationships. My low self-esteem raged and I did not feel worthy of the women I liked. I would involve myself with women I was not attracted to or didn't want just so I would not have to be alone. I became a serial monogamist. Bouncing from one ill-fated relationship to the next, either as a hostage or hostage taker. Some relationships were better than others. Some were fun, most were not. None of them filled the void.
This is not a criticism of the women I have dated, but rather an indictment of my past behavior. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be alone, but expecting a girlfriend to solve my problems was not the answer. Relationships are challenging. Relationships borne from lonely desperation are a disaster waiting to happen.
Somehow I got married. My marriage was a dysfunctional mess and the most significant learning experience I ever had. In short, it was the best mistake of my life. I will not criticize my ex-wife. She is a good person and loving mom to our two sons, but we were a poor match. We thought on different wavelengths. Our core values conflicted and we wanted different things. I was a very poor communicator. We struggled to be friends let alone husband and wife. My mental health struggles surged, and I had a hard time keeping it together. Our children were my only reason for staying. Despite my unhappiness, I put their needs above my own. I gutted it out wanting to be there for them.
The shame I felt over my situation and my inability to fix it, stopped me from going to meetings. I withdrew from AA, my family, and my friends entirely. This was the biggest mistake I could have made. What was a difficult situation became unbearable. Fear, anxiety, and depression consumed me. I count myself blessed that I did not relapse.
I was stuck in an endless cycle of despair and fear. I had little hope of ever being happy. Years later, I found solace in a now-defunct website called Experience Project. It was there I was able to open up and share my pain anonymously. In doing so, I was able to see my faults quite clearly and recognize what I needed to do to fix my life.
First, I needed to go back to meetings. I was in danger of going back out. If I drank again, I would never get better. The program is a solid foundation to build a life around. It was time to get back to basics. Second, I needed to face my fears. Running away from my problems only exacerbated them. I set my intention to become the best version of myself I could be.
It included taking better care of myself. It was during this time my idea of The Path took shape. I set my intention to address my physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I focused once more on the Steps and returned to getting help for my mental health struggles. This was my big challenge. I was not going to stand for only taking anti-depressants. It required the exhausting work of addressing my anxiety and depression head on. It meant more than solely relying on anti-depressants to fix me. In my experience, they do little more than mask symptoms anyway. Getting better was hard work.
My marriage did not work, yet I don’t regret a single day of the years I was married. I have two beautiful boys whom I wish to give the world, and I learned so many valuable lessons about myself. This was the beginning of the most incredible journey of my life. The miracle did not happen overnight. Recovery is a constant endeavor, taking courage, action and a willingness to change. One day at a time I am still moving forward down paths untraveled. Learning, evolving, being, and loving.
I needed to learn how to love myself before I could love another person. Building self-esteem taught me how to have a good relationship with myself. In turn, that allowed me to have good relations with others. I am a much better ex-husband than I was a husband and get along better with my ex-wife than I ever did when we were together. I also am a much better father today than I ever was when I was married. I accept that something is not meant to be.
Today, I have a happy and healthy relationship with a woman whom I love genuinely. It's built upon mutual like of one another, common goals, and shared core values. The big gaping hole in the center of my being is filled by the relationship I have with myself.
In my darkest hour, the light of hope shined down upon me. I am grateful that I didn’t allow the darkness to consume me. In my hour of need, God blessed me with the spiritual courage needed to face the most significant obstacle of self. My life today attests to the saying “Don’t give up five minutes before the miracle is supposed to happen." I am glad I didn’t.
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