It’s Never Too Late To Find Who You’re Meant Be

“Someone once told me the definition of Hell: The last day you have on earth, the person you became will meet the person you could have become.”– Anonymous

I am an introvert. I like to think. I like to think a lot! It’s not uncommon for me to be lost in thought for hours, following my stream of consciousness wherever it may lead. I used to think so much that my first sponsor banned me from thinking during the first year of my sobriety. Telling me my best thinking made a mess out of my life. Who was I to disagree?  After a year he allowed surface thinking.  My mind always caused me trouble.

Much of my recovery has been spent thinking. I had such grand plans for myself.  I loved the Navy. It was going to be my career. I was going be accepted into an officer’s program and rise through the ranks. I was intelligent enough, but I couldn’t get out of my own way. It’s been over 20 years since I have served, but there are times I look back with regret. Wishing I had taken more advantage of the opportunities presented to me.

Like anyone else, I have had more than my fair share of the clichéd "wish I’d if I’d and should haves."   Years spent hiding in the shade of self-deception and self-loathing. I felt much like Terry Malloy from On The Waterfront. “I could have been somebody. Instead, I’m a bum.” That was me a 45-year-old bum with a long list of regrets. I spent decades raging at the Universe for its unfairness but did little else.  What was I looking for? What was I trying to achieve?

In retrospect, I was searching for my place in the world. To find tiny groups of community where I fit. My natural affinity group where I could feel loved and safe and tied to a greater sense of purpose. I tried all the wrong ways.  Losing myself in women, money or material goods were merely distractions. There was never enough stuff to make me feel whole.

It used to be I regretted everything. I felt hopeless that I would ever find my way; that I would forever remain adrift in the false memories and dreams that never materialized.  I have learned its okay to be lost finding our way in life. But it’s important to keep moving forward. There is always the opportunity to learn and grow along The Path. There is never a time where we fully reach our destination. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Recovery is hard work! Often must stem the tide of years if not decades my alcoholic thinking. It requires honesty, courage, and the willingness to change. Not drinking is but the first step. The rest of the steps are the guidelines to a new way of life.

There’s a certain magic in recovery. The AA promises assure us we will be amazed before we are halfway through. I would cling to the phrase at the end of them – “Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”  They arrived for me at a glacial pace.

My greatest fear used to be old age, lying on my deathbed with tears in my eyes and regret in my heart. Ruminating over a life half-lived. Gratefully I found my footing. Life is littered with uncertainty, but I am confident I am heading in the right direction. Nobody wakes up when they want to, but it’s never too late find your way. What is done, is done. I can’t go back and relive my life. I am peace with my past. Acceptance indeed is the key.

No matter what your age, whether you’re 48, 58 or 58 or older. You can always change your life. It took me longer than most to get it, but I got it, and there is no looking back with regret. The challenges of my past, the pain, the longing, all have shaped the man I am today. My life is no longer full of remorse over what could have been. It’s full of hope over what can still be.