Step 4- Digging At The Roots

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom.” Lao Tzu

     I was sober over a year by the time I turned 21. I thought I knew everything there was to know.  I believed my only true character defect was chewing tobacco and a foul mouth. I was also full of shit!  I made an effort to quit cursing and replaced Copenhagen with Camels Lights. That was the extent of my recovery efforts beyond not drinking.

     Like all young adults, I lived with an air of immortality. I gave no thought to who I was or what I wanted. I left my future in the hands of fate and figured it would all fall into place in the end. In truth, I was full of fear and self-loathing and had no idea who I was or what I wanted. All I knew was that I was cursed with alcoholism and could not drink. I felt like I was missing out on life. Oh, how I resented it!

     I went to meetings on a regular basis only because the alternative was worse. I learned the hard way it is miserable hanging out in a bar without drinking. I wasn’t a club person. I liked dark places with the smell of booze and sticky floors. But chain-smoking Camels and drinking glass after glass of Diet Coke in a bar sucks. There was no happiness in it. It was a misguided effort to relive a life that existed as fantasy. I had a habit of ordering virgin drinks. Rationalizing the potential relapse as beyond my control, while hoping they would serve the real thing by accident. If that happened, relapse would not have been my fault. I knew I was playing on the proverbial train tracks but didn't care. If I could get away with drinking without repercussion, I would have drunk. I was staying sober out of fear of being discharged from the Navy. That fear motivated me to at least go to meetings.

     I suffered severely from untreated depression too. I wore it like a badge of honor. I painted it in Shakespearean grandeur; convinced myself I was a misunderstood genius. My happiness gleaned from the sublime beauty of sadness. Music from The Smiths, The Cure, and Joy Division guided my life. Tragic novels were my companions. Ordinary People, A Separate Peace and Anne Karenina are some of my all-time favorite reads. I was oh so superior to my peers. In my eyes, they couldn’t begin to grasp the deeper themes of life. While they were mindless drones, I was tapping into the real undercurrents of reality. I felt destined for greater things. Looking back, I was a raging egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Oblivious of life and again wholly full of shit.

     My sobriety was precarious at best, but I had a good relationship with my sponsor. Although I used him more for rides than recovery, he had the type of life I wanted. And he lived a sober life. He had a coolness and confidence about him, and he oozed serenity. He knew of my struggles, and he listened patiently to me. When I presented my problems, his answers were always the same. “Don’t drink and go to meetings. And Pray!” He was big on God, really big. Huge. I disagreed with his spiritual beliefs, but his hope and faith were enviable, and I wanted it!

     He pushed for me to move forward with my 4th Step. In his words, it was the Step which would lay the groundwork for the rest of my recovery. There was a little procrastination, but I got to work.

     The manner in which the 4th Step is displayed in the Big Book is straightforward. Three separate lists documenting my resentments, fears, and sexual misconduct. An added column to note the role I played in them. I did the best I could at that time. My 4th Step was brief and centered my parents and a couple of ex-girlfriends and maybe a jerk to two I grew up from high school. My fears consisted of being loveless and forever alone. While my sexual transgressions were sparse, what there was I listed too.

     Completing this milestone, I felt motivated to finish the 5th step. Sharing it with my sponsor was a breeze. I let go of my resentments. I acknowledged the fears which plagued me. I was hoping to gain 20 years of sobriety with these two steps. I expected such a miracle. Instead, my life remained driven by fear, insecurity, and weakness. I never addressed the cause of my issues and allowed self-will to run riot! My intentions were good, but I was blind to my ego. Never seeing that recovery required more than I was putting into it. I lacked both the courage and humility to address the more significant problem of self. If I could not control the outcomes, I would shut down. I shut down a lot.

     After I completed my 4th Step (and 5th Step), I failed to realize that my inventory was only the foundation. The soul-searching, fact-finding mission, only displayed the roots of my problem. But awareness is only part of the solution. The rest of the steps remained. Working them was the path to bring about the transforming change I sought.  It would be quite sometime later before I found the willingness to change.

     My views on this step have changed over the years.  It’s no longer a basic list of my character defects. The personal inventory is a critical tool to my long-term sobriety and my growth as a human being. It is also a reflection of my selfish thinking and self-centered behavior, which stood for years as obstacles along my path of recovery. But not picking up a drink gave me a chance at life. When I was ready to do the work, my recovery began to take off. As the slogan goes, "It works when you work it. So work it because you’re worth it."