The phrase, Letting Go, is heard often in recovery.
What exactly does it mean? In short, it’s accepting we only have control over
ourselves and our actions. It’s easier said than done. There are no magical
shortcuts. Change is hard! Changing the way we think is even harder!
Early
in recovery, there were endless recitations of the Serenity Prayer. I would
grit my teeth often and did my best to practice acceptance. It seemed that my
fellow AA’s had an easier time at Letting Go than I did. As a matter of fact,
they seemed to have mastered the art of surrender, while I remained stuck in
the morass of everyday life, but I was told to keep trying, that I would get
it.
In
time, through repetitive practice and prayer, I was able to fumble through the
most rudimentary forms of surrender. I could accept that I had no control of
other people and that the world didn’t spin on its axis for my benefit alone.
While I could congratulate myself for realizing I was not God, I was blind to
real problem of self.
I
was stuck on who I thought I was. I was full of anger, fear, resentment, and
self-loathing. I didn’t realize that I needed to let go of these preconceived
notions of self. I had no way of coping with my emotions and low self-esteem. I
did my best to take suggestions like prayer and service work, but these did
nothing to assuage my inner turmoil. I was consumed by ego. I realized
alcoholism was not my only problem; depression was a much bigger issue, but my
fears and my pride prevented me from seeking help.
All my flaws were held under a
microscope of exacting standards I could never meet. My fate was predetermined
by the fact I wasn’t tall enough, good looking enough, smart enough, or
educated enough. My teeth were crooked and I had a mole near my eye. I was too
shy and well past the age where I could do something about it. I was full of
nerves around women and was not good enough in bed.
I lived in a fantasy world to
escape the reality of self-hatred and failure. The past was my favorite place
to take up residence. I did not merely replay the past, I would create entirely
different lives. All fictions based upon what my life would have been like if I
had made different choices. I was a very sick person, full of
excuses and victim-hood.
When my pain turned to
desperation, I finally had enough and was willing to face my problems outside
of alcoholism. Here is where I believe my true recovery began. I used to be
furious that I wasted years inside my head. Yet this anger was the same mental
trap I was stuck in before. I had to let go of that as well and accept that
everyone’s recovery runs on different speeds. I simply took longer.
Letting go is sweet surrender. It takes practice and
extends far beyond the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s a philosophical way
of being. It doesn’t mean I don’t care and it doesn’t mean I don’t get upset at
things. I am far from being a saint, but I do try to wear life like a loose
garment. Letting go is accepting who I am today and forgiving myself for who I
was in the past. I accept that my life is the way it is, based on the choices I
made yesterday, and my future will depend upon how I live my life today. Each
day I try to live with love and courage; be the best version of myself that I
can be. Some days that means simply not picking up a drink. Recovery is a
daily way of being.
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