FEAR – Fuck Everything and Run! Flight has always been my reaction to fear, and there is no emotion I hate more than fear. Anxiety and its incessant mental ruminations always accompany it. It chews me up and spits me out. Then there is the awful feeling in my gut that steals my breath and a pulse so intense it feels as if my heart is going to beat straight out my chest. It often feels as if there is no escape from this self-inflicted torment. No matter how much I drank, I could never escape my fears or myself. I already wrote a blog post about dealing with long-term sobriety. This post centers on the risks of unresolved fear in recovery.
There are no mincing words here, dealing with fear newly sober is a bitch! When first get sober, our only conscious fear is that of getting drunk again. It could also be the possible fear of being sober. Addiction has a twisted comfort; we love our booze. The bottle was often our best friends. Letting go of it seems terrifying. Other fears begin to surface when we get a little time under our belts. We are then challenged to confront life on life’s terms without picking up a drink. Sometimes our fears are real, other times they are imaginary. But they take shape and form in our consciousness and begin a life of their own. They must be faced, or they pose the risk of controlling our life.
The Steps are an excellent guideline for growth, but they are only guidelines. Likewise, with a sponsor, they too are a guide. Someone who has been there before. There is fantastic group support in the program, but the heavy lifting belongs to us.
The 4th Step is a beautiful tool for uncovering fears. This step is the first serious effort of self-investigation. I covered the first part of Step 4 in my post about resentments. Resentments always seem to get top billing, but fear was a much larger issue for me. I am ashamed to admit I have been a coward for too many years. As a result, various shades of self-loathing and discontent colored my life.
Suffering from untreated GAD amplified everything. I shut out everyone and closes down. I hid behind facades and built walls. I lived in a world of make believe that was nothing short of a horror film. The never-ending procession of fear played over and over again. Through the magnifying glass of critical self-examination, I fueled self-loathing further. My fears were a self-made prison where I served a life sentence without parole. How could I live this, much less stay sober, when a fifth of bourbon would at least provide temporary respite? Living in a state of chronic fear and untreated anxiety led me to near relapse, or worse, death.
Four things helped me move beyond this dangerous period of my recovery. When I find myself bogged down by fear today, I always come back to these times. They have helped me time and time again.
1) Anytime fear is a topic in a meeting, the phrase “Turn it Over” will be brought up. It sounds great on paper, but oh so hard to put into play. Using the slogan, Letting Go and Letting God did not instantaneously erase my fear. Countless repetitions of the Serenity Prayer did nothing more than provide a distraction. It’s a mantra sometimes said thousands of times a day. I don’t knock faith. Faith takes practice and time. Faith without works is dead. Faith takes dedicated effort. Over time I was able to establish a foundation of faith. And letting go became a valuable addition to my spiritual toolbox.
2) Meditation has been recent inclusion in my spiritual practice. I started meditating in March, and I have noticed subtle changes in the way I handle fear and anxiety. It's amazing how the thing which used to paralyze me no longer have the same effect. Don’t let the mystical connotations dissuade you from this practice. There are many forms of meditation. Investigate them and find one that works for you. I practice mindfulness. I focus on my breathing and follow my thoughts as they come and go. With practice, awareness of both my thoughts and my emotions has made it easier to deal with fear.
3) Get Help. I struggled alone for way too long. Pride always got in my way. I would still talk to a sponsor or a close friend but never in depth. I would say nothing about everything that bothered me. My pride stood in the way. I needed to be honest with my sponsor, and I needed professional help. It is tough being an American man who needs mental health care. There is a social stigma attached to this perceived weakness in men. We are raised with a John Wayne mentality where emotional problems are an anathema. They are a weakness in men who are to be nothing but fearless and invulnerable at all time. Anything less would be unmanly. And no man wants to be labeled anything less than a man. Emotions are a weakness meant to hidden deep within ourselves. I stuffed all my feelings deep inside of me for years. I would rather die than admit any weakness and I suffered for it. How many years did I put on a brave face while inside I was screaming in agony? My pride almost killed me. There is no shame in getting help. If I need it again, I will not be afraid to get it.
4) Eventually, fears need to be faced. The happiness in our recovery depends upon it. There are times I have had more fear of confronting them, than the fear itself. But with practice, it becomes easier. The best place to start is with the 4th step. I listed all my fears and why I had them. Rather than another 4th step, I wrote in my journal. Pages and pages of self-disgust written black ink and tears soon revealed a particular hue of my fears. It’s not all dark and scary monsters or the bleak prison cell. Fear is nothing more than an emotion. It is never in the present moment. It exists only in the future, usually over something we desire and won’t get, or something we have and will lose. These insights gave me hope to overcome the giant obstacle of fear.
With faith, self-kindness, and courage I have overcome much in my life, but there is still much work to be done. Battling fear is an ongoing challenge, but have the courage move forward, knowing I am walking the path to freedom I never knew existed.
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