I had no intention of quitting drinking when I
walked into that Sunday night meeting. I was there by my own choice, but I was
only hoping to take the spotlight off of me and avoid another rehab. 10 people
sat around the table night, drinking coffee and chain smoking. I sat scared and
full of fear. I was the youngest person in the room by at least 20 years. Don’t let my young age fool you. At 19 I was
already a veteran of one rehab and two forced stints in AA.
Step 1 confronted me that night, but I
couldn’t fully accept it. I was way too young to be an alcoholic. Powerless
over alcohol? No way! Sure, I drank a lot. So did all my friends. All my
actions, all my thoughts, and all my ambitions centered upon drinking. But all
I could admit to was the unmanageability of my life. That was why I went to
that meeting in the first place. Normal people didn't try to kill themselves
every time they drank. I knew I had a problem with depression or insecurity or
loneliness. Drinking soothed my emotional turmoil, but it also tended to make
my problems worse. I was prone to emotional outbursts, blackouts, and last
night visits to the ER. Self-loathing and suicidal despair consumed me. I
needed to stop for a little bit or I was not going to make it to my 20th
birthday.
I rationalized my behavior. It was all due to
my inability to keep a girlfriend, or not having the right car, or the right
looks, or the right anything. I liked drinking until I was snot-slinging drunk.
I did not see an issue with being a falling down, throwing up drunk. I ignored
the fact I twice drank my out of college and was most likely drinking myself
out of the Navy as well.
I managed to stay sober out of fear of dying, but there still was part
of me that harbored a secret desire to drink again. I had no problems being a
tourist in AA. It was better than sitting in my room alone. I believed that if
I could get my head screwed on tight enough, I could one day drink without
consequences. It took a lot of pain and near relapse to completely admit that I
was an alcoholic. That all the unmanageability in my life was a direct result
of my inability to control my drinking.
Being in AA so young presented many
challenges, primary among them was the feeling that my life was over. Who would
like a guy who did not drink? What would I do for fun? And I did not want to
give up drinking before I was legally allowed drink. How would I spend my 21st
birthday if I was sober? I did not want to miss out on all the fun that I was
certain awaited in the future.
I wrote out my first step. I was rigorously
honest with myself and what drinking did to me. Once I picked up a drink, a
switch turned on inside my head that demanded ever increasing amounts of booze.
There was no controlling it. The smallest sip produced an instant craving for
more. I tried switching from vodka, to bourbon, to gin in hopes of a solution,
but no matter what I drank the result was the same. My drinking was seldom fun.
In fact it was mostly miserable. Every bad thing that happened to me before I
got sober was a direct result of my drinking. As was the guilt, remorse and
incomprehensible demoralization.
The first step is the only step we need to do
perfectly. With complete acceptance, came freedom and the ability to honestly
work the program. There was finally hope that I could live a life as productive
member of society. In time, being an active member in the fellowship allowed me
to find the life I was looking for in the bottom of a bottle. By practicing the
AA program I have been able to stay sober one day a time for over 28
years. My life is far from perfect, but
it is better than I ever dreamed possible.
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