Our primary purpose in AA is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. In the early days of recovery, our focus is on staying away from the first drink. After we get some time sober, we need to start working on the rest of our recovery. In the beginning, I sold myself short by limiting my definition of sobriety. I did not see that being sober is about so much more than staying away from a drink. It’s a brand new way of living. Sobriety offers us a chance to have the life we never thought were capable of having.
Learning to live life on life’s terms is not always easy. The first sentence of the pop psychology classic The Road Less Travelled states that “Life is difficult!” How true is that? It's even more so for the newly sober alcoholic. We may have decade’s worth of dysfunctional living we need to overcome. This takes time. Be patient. It's frustrating, but think of time as an acronym: This I Must Earn. Have patience. By using the principles of the program as our guidelines, we can have all the promises of a new life and more.
I have been sober for more than a few 24 hours. I have had periods of very good sobriety and periods that were not so good. My last major bout of depression and anxiety darkened everything around me. Life felt hopeless and I allowed stinking thinking to dictate my recovery. I believed the stories I told myself. That success and happiness were meant for others while I was destined to be depressed all my life. I had a sponsor who always counseled that “I was what I paid attention to.” My constant focus on my anxiety only perpetuated it and kept me boxed in by fear.
I was a 40 something-year-old man who had the mentality of an emotionally stunted teenager. I was not growing but moving backward. I was running on an auto-pilot program with faulty software. Replaying outdated sub-routines in my mind that further isolated me from recovery. I was restless, irritable and discontent. My years sober weighed on me. They felt like a curse. All those years without a drink and my life sucked. My ego refused to be humbled. I could never let anyone know.
My sponsor also used to say, “if nothing changes, then nothing changes.” I had stopped drinking, but still had a problem with thinking. But I didn't believe change was possible. My thoughts were skewed. At times I thought I needed to relapse so I could get come back into the rooms with a proper attitude. Looking at myself in the mirror disgusted me. Any humility and gratitude were long gone. All my old behaviors were there. I was selfish and self-centered; my behaviors became passive aggressive and manipulative. I no longer cared about anything but myself and filling the gaping void that gnawed away inside of me.
Getting better required an honest look at myself. That required a courage I didn’t think I had. But I reached a point where I had two choices. Get better or die! As a matter of life or death, I finally sought help for my mental health issues. I also found the humility to tell my sponsor and others what I was going through. With a lot of hard work both inside and outside the rooms, I have been able to turn my life around. I used The Steps go get better. Within them exists the tools for recovery from both alcohol and my depression.
I used to berate myself for my past. Now I have learned to accept and grow from it. Much of my recovery was based on a series of bad choices. Those bad choices are my greatest teachers. I am reminded of an anonymous story about choices. A group spiritual seekers climbed a tall mountain looking for a teacher. Upon reaching a plateau they found themselves in front of an old man. Bowing deeply they asked the question which had been burning inside of them.
“Teacher, how do we become wise?”
There was a long pause before the old man replied, “Good choices.”
“But how do we make good choices?”
“From experience,” answered the wise one.
“And how do we get experience?”
“Bad Choices,” the teacher smiled.
Practicing the principles in all our affair fosters good choices. The 12 Steps are the gateway for a better life. It took me a long time to realize this about the program and begin to take the right action for recovery. All those years I thought I wasted, were not wasted at all. They prepared me to be the man I am today and who I am supposed to be tomorrow.
Comments
Post a Comment