Progress Not Perfection

               T he phrase,  Letting Go , is heard often in recovery. What exactly does it mean? In short, it’s accepting we only have control over ourselves and our actions. It’s easier said than done. There are no magical shortcuts. Change is hard! Changing the way we think is even harder!                Early in recovery, there were endless recitations of the Serenity Prayer. I would grit my teeth often and did my best to practice acceptance. It seemed that my fellow AA’s had an easier time at Letting Go than I did. As a matter of fact, they seemed to have mastered the art of surrender, while I remained stuck in the morass of everyday life, but I was told to keep trying, that I would get it.                In time, through repetitive practice and prayer, I was able to fumble...

       Gratitude is the state of being thankful and the feeling of appreciation. I often heard this word bandied about in early recovery, usually attached to room introductions that so and so is a grateful recovering alcoholic. I even used the word to describe myself, but was never fully honest about it.  I was certainly thankful for the rooms of AA, it was the only safe option I had to spend my time.  Without AA, my options were limited to finding a quiet place on my ship to isolate myself or sitting in the nearest bar, power drinking Diet Coke and chain smoking Camel Lights until I was sick to my stomach. I understood gratitude on a cerebral level.  I could even practice it on a physical level, but the emotional feeling of gratitude eluded me. My first sponsor would always tell me that gratitude is an action word, meaning if one feels grateful (for their recovery) that one would become involved in AA service work. I cannot say enou...

Citing the dictionary, resentment is defined as the bitter indignation at being treated unfairly. Commonly it is said that resentment is akin to drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.   Real or imagined, resentment, shapes and darkens the twisted view of our self-importance and self-impotence.   Left unchecked resentment becomes our identity blinding and burning us with anger and hatred. I know because I lived that way for shameful number of years. What really causes resentment within us? What personal slight could cause us to spiral downward into such a poisonous state of mind?   Is it a knee jerk reaction to perceived wrongs or our egocentric view of the world? Most of the time I am positive that those who have wounded us in such a manner do not even know they have harmed us. Perhaps it’s because we have no way of expressing such feelings, of if we do, they are emotionally immature and anger filled responses. I don’t think it can be...

Much of the criticism I hear directed at Alcoholics Anonymous is the mistaken idea that one must find God, ergo some religious form of God to get sober.   I know there are many who eschew AA for the very reason; some people have a very difficult time separating the idea of God from religion.   The wording of the 3 rd step allows us personally define our Higher Power. The 3 rd Step phrase, “-God as we understand Him,” display the genius of co-founder Bill W.   Whether through foresight or his own resistance toward religion, this wording of the 3 rd Step, opened the door to countless people who have never given AA a chance. It’s was quite a remarkable idea at the time, considering that AA was born in 1935, it’s spiritual framework built up on the tenants of The Oxford Group (now named Moral Rearmament) which was a decidedly Christian organization.   AA, by leaving the God door open, has helped millions of non-Christians, including Jews, Muslims and B...

            The 12 Steps of AA share spiritual themes such as honesty, humility, and forgiveness with all the world’s great religious traditions. However religious belief is not necessary to work the steps or get sober. The concepts of God or a Higher Power are entirely personal to the individual.   Actions such taking a moral inventory, making amends, and being of service to others are guidelines to sobriety. The steps help us not only to get and stay sober, but to help us evolve and become better versions of ourselves. The first definition I heard of spirituality was that “Religion was for people afraid of going to Hell and spirituality was for people for already had been there.”     As a veteran of multiple tours to the lower realms, I could identify, but what is spirituality? It can be easily misunderstood as religion. You can certainly be spiritual while being religious, but religious belief is not necessary. Spiri...

                It’s not a very original term. All the great religious and spiritual traditions have their path in one form or another. The means by which they ascend the hierarchies of belief to reach oneness with their God. If fact the Chinese philosophical of Taoism, translates to the way or the path. I have been in recovery for close to three decades. At times I have struggled simply living life. I have battled varying degrees of depression and anxiety at times so crippling I could not get out of bed. Through my struggles I found a way forward though darkness and into the light of being. I call this The Path I came from a place pure blackness. I could see no light. I felt only fear and self-loathing. I lived this way for years, somehow managing not only to stay alive, but to have a career and a family. Make no mistake, both my job and my kids suffered. Pride and fear prevented me from seeking help. My ego’s inability t...

What it was like, what happened and what it is like today. I grew up in an alcoholic home, my earliest memories are of my father’s drinking.   I clearly remember being 4, 5 and 6 years old and he was never without a beer.   I used to like sit on his lap and takes little sips of his beer or the last drip of whisky in his shot glass. I saw my father as a very happy when he was drinking and I equated drinking with happiness. As I grew up my father’s drinking got worse, my younger brother and I quickly seized upon his drinking habits and begin stealing his drinks when he wasn’t looking. There were many rum bottles emptied into our root beer and bottles of brew that would go missing from the fridge. Wherever my father went, there was sure to be booze about, so we liked to tag along.   Invariably he would share drinks with us or we would steal whatever was about. By 13, my father’s drinking was out of control and it was very easy to get a drink whenever I w...

Preface I started this blog 4 years ago but quickly lost interest. In hindsight my motivation at the time was wrong. I have grown immensely since then and my life has shifted into a reality I didn’t dream possible. My intention in beginning this blog anew is to share my experience, hope, and strength that it may be of benefit to those in recovery.          I am writing this not only to potentially help others in their journey but to better understand and articulate my beliefs; to explore and study all the paths I have traveled with a greater sense of perspective; examining my interests, passions, and my hopes for the world we live in. so that I  may be a better human being. I am but a simple layperson, I do not claim any expertise; what worked for me might not work for anyone else.         To begin with I am recovering alcoholic with over 28 years of sobriety and still go to meetings. This fact more than anything else shapes who ...