Progress Not Perfection

FEAR – Fuck Everything and Run!  Flight has always been my reaction to fear, and there is no emotion I hate more than fear. Anxiety and its incessant mental ruminations always accompany it. It chews me up and spits me out. Then there is the awful feeling in my gut that steals my breath and a pulse so intense it feels as if my heart is going to beat straight out my chest. It often feels as if there is no escape from this self-inflicted torment. No matter how much I drank, I could never escape my fears or myself.  I already wrote a blog post about dealing with long-term sobriety. This post centers on the risks of unresolved fear in recovery. There are no mincing words here, dealing with fear newly sober is a bitch! When first get sober, our only conscious fear is that of getting drunk again. It could also be the possible fear of being sober. Addiction has a twisted comfort; we love our booze. The bottle was often our best friends. Letting go of it seems terri...

Our primary purpose in AA is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. In the early days of recovery, our focus is on staying away from the first drink. After we get some time sober, we need to start working on the rest of our recovery. In the beginning, I sold myself short by limiting my definition of sobriety. I did not see that being sober is about so much more than staying away from a drink. It’s a brand new way of living. Sobriety offers us a chance to have the life we never thought were capable of having. Learning to live life on life’s terms is not always easy. The first sentence of the pop psychology classic The Road Less Travelled states that “Life is difficult!”  How true is that? It's even more so for the newly sober alcoholic. We may have decade’s worth of dysfunctional living we need to overcome. This takes time. Be patient. It's frustrating, but think of time as an acronym: This I Must Earn.  Have patience. By using the principles of the...

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”    Mahatma Gandhi                An overinflated ego is a major trait of alcoholics. In our minds, we are the center of the universe and the world revolves around us. The Big Book states, Selfish – Self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles!₁  Getting involved in service work assists in ego deflation. In order to keep it, you have to give it away is a phrase often heard in the rooms. Being of service to others is a key foundation to recovery. But what if you don’t know how to give it away? What if your struggle is with yourself and your inability to connect with others? Perhaps you are sitting in the back of a crowded room feeling less than and better than everyone else? How do you shut off the voice inside your head without having a panic attack and running away? It is no...

Great Falls Virginia  . I still have my struggles with anxiety and maintaining my serenity. In part, they are due to physical and geographical burnout. Sometimes life is life. I do what I can. I have a greater awareness of myself and my needs today. Serenity goes hand in hand with connecting with my spiritual side. This includes spending time in nature. Recent studies have advised that city living is detrimental to psychological health₁. Getting away from concrete and pavement and spending time in open green spaces is good for or us ₂. I didn't need a study to tell me that city life does not agree with me. I know first-hand having lived it. My professional life has had me sitting at a desk, staring at a computer monitors eights hour a day. Work is not the only part of my day. I have been commuting back and forth from Jersey to Manhattan for the past 20 years. I like my job, love who I work with, but the commute will be my death. The hustle and bustle of tr...

A blessing of long-term sobriety is perspective. Charting my growth through the lens of recovery. There are many instances where I sputtered and stalled but my life is certainly better than I ever dreamed possible. Without a doubt, getting sober when I did, saved my life. It took me too long to understand the gift of sobriety.  I still don’t see the entirety of it all. I feel blessed catching only glimpses of possibilities, which range from the mundane to the spectacular. I am convinced AA is but a start to a greater life. But I have to stay centered on the principles of the program to get there. The Steps are not a one-time exercise taking me from misery to serenity. They are living guidelines that can take me as far I want to go. Practicing the AA principles in my life has brought about a dramatic transformation of being. In the beginning, AA granted the means to get sober. It offers me a safe place to go for community and support. Most of it all it gave me hope. ...

Step 3 – Made a decision to turn our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.                 I will be the first to admit that I had zero understanding of this step. On the surface it sounds easy enough; as the slogan says “Let Go and Let God.”   But what exactly does that mean?   I had a certain anxiety about God. I thought at best I was God’s personal jester; a puppet to be played with when He needed a laugh. How could I trust Him with my life?                    The Big Book and 12 x 12 point out that faith in a Higher Power was critical to the effectiveness of the rest of the steps.   Like many others, I turned to the religion of my upbringing for greater clarity. However, I wanted nothing to do with religion. I wasn’t trying to be saved, delivered or anything e...

The 2 nd   Step – Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.                 Rising from rock bottom is not easy. Not only are we confronted with staying away from a drink but we also face the need to change our thinking too. After admitting we were alcoholics, we arrive at the 2nd Step. Step 2 is the bridge of hope from a hopeless condition to the promise of a new life. To take this step we are only required to believe. Belief is the key word! It’s the beginning of change.                    This was a bit tricky for me. I saw the 2 nd Step not only telling me to believe in a Higher Power*, but to also admit that I was insane. My willingness to believe took a heavy stumble when it came to seeing anything positive for myself.    In the beginning all I believed in was f...

I had no intention of quitting drinking when I walked into that Sunday night meeting. I was there by my own choice, but I was only hoping to take the spotlight off of me and avoid another rehab. 10 people sat around the table night, drinking coffee and chain smoking. I sat scared and full of fear. I was the youngest person in the room by at least 20 years.  Don’t let my young age fool you. At 19 I was already a veteran of one rehab and two forced stints in AA. Step 1 confronted me that night, but I couldn’t fully accept it. I was way too young to be an alcoholic. Powerless over alcohol? No way! Sure, I drank a lot. So did all my friends. All my actions, all my thoughts, and all my ambitions centered upon drinking. But all I could admit to was the unmanageability of my life. That was why I went to that meeting in the first place. Normal people didn't try to kill themselves every time they drank. I knew I had a problem with depression or insecurity or loneliness. Drink...

            I want to preface by saying I am not a doctor, counselor or mental health professional. I cannot offer any diagnosis or treatment plan. I am sharing my experience in hopes that it will encourage those who are still suffering to get help. Life can be better.              My battles with mental health were more serious than my alcoholism. In retrospect, it was obvious that I suffered from depression as an early teen. I remember feeling different from all those around me. I was somehow less than everyone else. I don’t recall any depressive issues like I experienced when I was older, but I was painfully shy, lonely and anxiety riddled most of the time. Shamefully, my best friend during this time was the kid living next door who was five years younger than me. Most of my free time was spent watching TV.  When I started drinking, I quickly discovered that alcohol could melt the knot of exis...